Friday, May 27, 2011


It is amazing how your expectations of life can easily change in a single moment. Over these past six weeks as my father has been struggling with his health issues, I have found myself looking at life completely differently. I force myself to sit and do little to nothing. I have started driving in absolute silence, instead of listening to my favorite music or talk radio. I have been praying more and almost meditating more. I have less patience for shallow people and thoughts. I look more to nature for signs and for comfort.

It has been six weeks since I talked to my father. That is unbearable to someone who is used to talking to him almost every other day. When I first started to visit him in the hospital, I was expecting him to wake up and converse with me through blinking eyes and nodding his head yes or shaking it no until he got off of the ventilator. I thought that when he had his surgery he would wake up within a couple of days and all would be okay. But that isn't the case.

My last trip home, my expectations were that Dad would open his eyes when I talked to him and would respond to my commands to squeeze my fingers. This trip home, I had even more expectations, because I had heard he was starting to breathe on his own during the day. I also saw FIVE rainbows on my trip home.

I got nothing out of him today. It hurt, but then again, I have been aware that my expectations have to adjust. Now I just expect him to be calm and comfortable. I expect him to allow me to talk to him and love him. I expect friends and family to help take care of me and support me through the process, but to also allow me some quiet time. I expect people to forgive me as I get prickly, because I don't mean it. I expect to still cry in exhaustion and frustration. I expect the medical professionals to make the right decisions and to help us as we have to make ours. I expect them to care for my father to their utmost ability and to understand that we are people and not just files that cross their desks. And I expect God and the Universe to help provide for all of our needs.

The road is long and has lots of bumps along the way. But I expect to continue to be able to face this challenge head on, and to come out relatively unscathed on the other side.


  1. we lost our dad 2 mos ago..he was only 77. He was my best friend and tho death is no stranger to me; emotions made me prostrate all rational advice as the child within me faced "forever gone".

    Medical professionals don't always make right decisions especially if their motive is greed and your beloved dad is a medicare code.

    Once your heart is settled...and it will and emotions wrapped up in God's arms holding you tight, you will know the best choice and free the "all" for the needs of the moment. ((hugs))
    humbly bow...honor to meet you

  2. You and your family have been and will remain in my prayers. ♥

  3. Keep expecting the universe to give you love and support, because you are giving it from yourself. The universe likes that. Continuing to send you positive thoughts and energy.

  4. Reading your post zoomed me back in time to when my dad laid in the hospital after his last stroke, on life support, with no hope of waking up again. I can so empathize with your pain!! I too carried the same expectations, only to have them dashed when the the doctors told us there was no hope of any recovery. It is devastating, and my heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers as you come to grips with the heart wrenching decisions that lie ahead of you. May God be with you. Have faith, He will be with you even in the darkest hour. You have my prayers. Lovely blog.


  5. Amazing, everything you are dealing with. And doing it with such grace.

  6. I can't imagine what you are going through...and yet as I read your words, your expectations are what I think anyone should expect in your situation. Many good thoughts and prayers for you as you go through this trying time...I'll definitely be saying some for you.

    Cheers, Jenn.

  7. Sorry. This is a good blog.

  8. I am so sorry to read of what you are going through right now. Hugs and prayers.