These past several weeks, numb is the best way to describe how I feel. I feel like I have to be stoic to take care of the family. I keep getting complimented on how strong I am. The only way to stay strong is to put one foot in front of the other and to be numb. If I don't enter numb mode, I cannot function at all.
The problem with being numb is that eventually you are going to break. My problem starts after 8 p.m. I am a nighttime crier. Tonight, I jumped in the shower around 8, before I went to get my sister at the airport. I cried in the shower. I pulled it back together to go pick her up. The tears started again really late as I was watching Mamma Mia! My evening glass of wine probably didn't help much, but I always cry at the wedding scene. I always cry at weddings. That scene in particular gets to me because my mother will never walk me down the aisle, nor will we ever engage in that mother-daughter bonding time again. It also makes me miss my father more because he likes musicals and Meryl Streep.
And then, as quickly as the crying comes on, the numbness reappears. I don't like to not feel. I relish in feeling the intensity of my emotions. Perhaps the numbness is my self saying that these feelings are too intense, and I am protecting myself so that I can still function in life.
Please do not think that I am constantly sad. I am not. I have many happy moments and experiences as well. I think it just hits me harder when I come to town to be with my parents. But there is nowhere else that I should be, nor would I want to be anywhere else right now. They need me. This is where my life is at the moment. This too shall pass.......