Tuesday, December 27, 2011

GBE 15-Minute Free Write

15 straight minutes of meaningless drivel coming from my fingers. Typos are not to be corrected. Are you ready? I'm not, but here we go!

Ugh. Timers. Timing. Hurry hurry hurry! Can't get it all done but don't know what "it" even is. Writing, reading, laundry, purging. It's all the same. Wanna do it all but can't do it all. Don't even know where to begin.

This year is almost over. I am so thankful. 2011 has been full of all kinds of joys but tremendous loss. Christmas was beautiful yet heartwrenching. Still trying to process it all.

Process. More important than product. But such a process to process.

Hitchcock is on. I love Hitchcock. Dad loved Hitchcock. Eric loves Hitchcock. Hitchcock loved Daphne du Maurier. I love Daphne du Maurier. Rebecca was one of my favorites. Dad loved that movie. So did Grandma. So does Uncle Phil, I think?

I wanna read more du Maurier. I have a ton of her stuff. She reminds me a bit of Stephen King. I need to read more Stephen King. I am missing a bunch of his recent books. But I have gift cards from Christmas.

Gift cards. What to buy? Definitely going to get the Soda Streamer, I think, from Target. Kinda want a tablet of sorts. But to get a cheaper tablet or the Kindle Fire? I dn't really care to read on a Kindle and I have that app already on my phone. I can even read books on my computer. So that part isn't necessary. But it is supposed to be a lot like the iPad and I can't afford an iPad. I can't afford an iPhone. But I love my Droid. I got it last year from my dad, along with my computer and TV.

I need to watch more TV. I need to get caught up on football. I need to write about football. I need to write to make some more cash this break. I have forgotten how to write. I feel like any fool can string together words about football. Yet, I managed to become a Featured Contributor for YCN (on Yahoo! Sports) for NCAA football. Scary thought.

I want to write. I want to break through this wall that has been here. I want to be recognized for what I hvae to offer. I want to ideas to flow in a logical formation, not in a meaningless flood. I have millions of them and can't get them all out. I swear I am ADHD. It makes my head swim to think of everything that is floating around up there.

What to do with myself for the rest of this week? I want to test out my new hiking gear I got for Christmas, but there isn't any snow. I don't want snow because I don't want to be cold. And it isn't like I would go hiking in snow all by myself. Eric is working this week, so I can't think about going until at least his weekend.

I need to clean and oganize. Who wants to do that? I am always "making progress" as Mike likes to point out. *sigh* Another never-ending process.

I am running out of steam. What other thoughts and words do I have?

Rejection, repression, adulation, elation, desperation, United Nations.

Books, looks, crooks, Nook.

Lehane, Shutter Island, Kenize & Gennaro.

Wanna read. Don't wanna read.

I feel like Jack in that Stephen King novel. "Allw ork and no play makes Jack a dull boy." The Shining. That's right. Love that book and movie.

I want to write abook. I have two outlined already. Maybe that should be a New Year's goal?

Don't make New Year's Resolutions. I prefer the idea of making goals. I believe it was Jo Brielyn who first mentioned that on Facebook. It makes so much more sense than resolutions.

I had a resolution last year. 800,000 page ivews and 800 pieces on YCN. I made it 466 and 534,000 or something like that. Perhaps it is over 500 pieces if I throw in the Sports. I guess life got in the way or something? Maybe I can make it to millionaire this year if I keep it up.

Sports. Me a spotswriter. I still laugh over it. I am sure Dad is laughing yet proud of me up in heaven.

Clouds, angels, horns, singing. Pearly gates.

How does Grandma feel having her son follow her after only 8 months? I have always wondered that. I am sure he is having fun up there somewhere, though, with someone else. Just still blows my mind, all of it.

Just because it blows my mind doesn't mean that I am depressed or anything, right? I certainly do not think so. My closest friends do not think so. Yet I have been accused of it lately. That irritates me to no end. I think I have had the right to be a litle sad. I cried my eyes out during the Christmas Eve service, but can you blame me? Have I not been doing pretty well?

Okay, you readers wouldn't know. I just realized I haven't posted since August. Hmmmm, well if you are on my Facebook or in some of the same groups as me, you should be able to tell. I think I have done pretty well, considering.

Considering.....I talked to Mom on Christmas Eve. That sucked. She didn't know who I was. I kinda figured. But at least I tried. People seem tot hink I am a heathen for not going to visit her. Try to be in my shoes, then.

Ugh. There is the anger and frustration. Loss of memory. Loss of tangible love. Yet it is reappearing in different areas of my life.

When is that timer going to go off?

Someone is singing scales on the TV now. I can't even remember which movie it is right now and I am not going to take the moment to hit info. I just know it is a Hitchcock. Oh wait, I think it is Rear Window. We just watched that recently. I love James Stewart, so Eric kept renting his movies from the library for me. He is a good man. He takes care of me, even if it isn't the traditional way that everyone thinks it should be.

Yup, Grace Kelly's voice is there. Dad and I went to Monaco and I remember him telling me all about Princess Grace dying. And then within a few years I started watching her movies. I love Grace Kelly. I love old movies. There is just something about them.

Crap, I just realized that I never set the timer. It's only been about 18 minutes, so I guess I didn't go too far over. Happy reading of the rambling, kids!


  1. I LOVED THIS! I think I have finally met someone whose thoughts transfer from one topic to the next as quickly as my own... (smiles and puts her hand over her heart) I don't know you, but I'm glad to meet you... and glad you put your fingers on the keyboard for this particular prompt!


  2. So powerful, so raw, and I imagine cathartic. If your mom doesn't know you, and she's well cared for, than only you can decide what interaction makes sense. Sometimes we have to be quiet for however long it takes to process life changes, I'm not sure I'd call that depression, at least not in todays terms. Ramble on, live well.

  3. Andi, I love to see you writing for fun. Since you didn't ask my opinion, I'm going to say that I think you should do more things for fun this year. You deserve it. 2011 was rough, and, while I don't think you are depressed, I think a person can be knocked around a bit by all the weight you had to carry.

    Wonderful job. Going to read it again--IF MY SON WOULD QUIT FOLLOWING ME INTO THIS MOM CAVE!!!

  4. So real. Great job. Crying is a great art. Teach it. It is good for the soul. Your dad is watching over you....

  5. What a great post, simply good reading!

  6. So funny, that you didn't set the timer! I'm a de maurier fan myself. I love how your thoughts just fell out.... So honestly.

  7. Though I haven't seen you for a few months, I remember how well you were handling everything as it came tumbling down on and around you. It sounds like you're handling it in a healthy way now, too. There has been and continues to be an awful lot to shoulder.

    As far as what other people think, screw it. Do what's right for you. ♥

  8. i enjoyed this.....my dad died this march ((hugs))
    Your mind is incredible..your typing skills too hehe..write on my friend, write on!