Friday, May 4, 2012

May Challenge Day 2: Something I regret not having done last year

I try to focus on not having regrets about decisions that I have made in my past. Those experiences that you have had in your past shape who you are today. If you were to go back and change them, you wouldn't be the person that you are right now. Haven't you seen all of those movies? (A Christmas Carol, It's a Wonderful Life, etc.)

Are there some things that I wish were handled differently last year? Absolutely. The last two years have royally sucked. I do wish I could have made it back to Ohio to try to visit my mother again before she forgot who I was. At the same time, my presence always agitated her. The nurses would have to help me sneak out of the ward and then were left with trying to calm Mom down and to distract her. It wasn't healthy for me, nor my mother.

I wish I could have made it back sooner to bring back more of my things in storage. I have had to impose on friends and family to store so many of my parents' belongings. I thought I was going to make it back by now, but just can't afford it. I feel terrible.

I wish we could have taken more time to properly plan and announce my father's funeral. A man like him should not have had only a handful of people in the church. That place should have been full. He died at 10:30 on a Thursday evening. The memorial was Monday morning. People didn't even see the announcements until over the weekend and couldn't plan accordingly. I heard that many times.

I admit to having the tiniest bit of regret that I didn't make it back to help Dad get Mom situated in the facility. Had I been there, perhaps he wouldn't have fallen. Or had he fallen, I would have made sure he received medical attention.

But like I said before, I can't change any of it, so I can't dwell on it. Had he not hit his head, some other medical problem would have taken his life, and the timing would not have been too far off. It was better this way. He was devastated by Mom's Alzheimer's. It probably would have killed him to have her forget him, anyway.

I only think of these things when I am prompted to do so, such as with today's meme. It does pop up here and there in conversation, as well. Otherwise, I try to live my life according to one of my all-time favorite Pearl Jam songs, "Present Tense": "You can live your life alone, redigesting past regrets. Or you can come to terms and realize you are the only one who cannot forgive yourself. Makes much more sense to live in the present tense."

Watch the video with lyrics here:


  1. Oh dear, Andrea. That's quite a heavy load to bear. I hope the weight of it lessens over time.

  2. Be easy on yourself, Andrea. Sounds like it's been a lot to bear. I absolutely agree with living in the now. It's hard sometimes!